What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
