Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
