is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
