Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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