think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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