I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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