I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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