Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
