I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
