i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
