Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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