John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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