So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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