I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
