So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
