What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
