you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
