Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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