My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
