My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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