I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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