my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
