I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
