We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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