Your face is a jimmy john
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
