Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
