Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
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There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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