I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
