You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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