respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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