If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
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the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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