i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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