I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
