so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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