So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
