Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
