i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
