Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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