she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i love accidental penises.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
