Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
