we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
