You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
