i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
