I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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