ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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