Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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