don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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