you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
