Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
