I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
