The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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