Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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