Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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