I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
