After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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