There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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