And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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