Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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