every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
