Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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