I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
