I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize