I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
