i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
