Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
